Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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