Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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