lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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