I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
