How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
