literally had 100 drinks last night.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
