My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
