I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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