Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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