wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
not ubering you a puppy
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
