I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
