I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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