So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
