The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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