Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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