I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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