the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
