Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
