I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im holly from the hills drunk
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
