Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
