Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
