Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
