I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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