Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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