Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
