the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
