u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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