k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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