I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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