i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
