I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
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If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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