why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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