peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
