My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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