There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
