sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
