do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
