If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
