Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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