Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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