awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
