I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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