So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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