she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
