yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
