I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
