the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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