i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
