i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let's paint friendship bongs
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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