Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
