end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
