nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.