i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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