I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.