oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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