Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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