they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
