Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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